Sunday, May 24, 2009

Woke up this morning

This morning I woke up before dog and mom. Lying in bed, I had some confusion. Am I really turning 50 this summer? Me? It was dreamlike: maybe I was dreaming about angst or maybe I really have some. Hard to tell.

I'm stealing a little time just now while my brother has taken our 82 year old, dementia inflicted, wobbly on her feet, mom to breakfast. My big hope for today was to be able to read a novel. Just after awakening this a.m., I realized there was something funky on the book I've been reading. It didn't smell like shit but it looked like it. My 5 month old girl puppy was just spayed and is sleeping on my bed because she is wearing one of those conical collars to keep her from licking her wound. Rather, she is sleeping on my bed this week because she can't fit into her kennel with that ridiculous collar. I presumed that she had the humiliating experience of shitting where she slept until I was putting the blankets in the washer and realized that she'd merely thrown up. Great. Truly great. Now I can scrape the weird stuff of the back of the book I'd thrown in the trash and not worry about it being anything too toxic.

Okay, back to 50. I'm kind of a young person and sort of had the attitude that I would just live to be a hundred so the first half of life with immature behavior, heartache, etc. will just be a warm-up for the second part that would be calm travel including museums and lots of time to sit in a shady corner at the Alhambra drawing the stone buildings with no worry about time. The actuality is a little rougher with a puppy on a leash and my hand guiding my mom around.

I think that the thing that will get me past this truly mid-life stall is a project. Perferably one I can work on from home, has nothing to do with my family and is creative.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Control your life by playing sudoku

Last summer, when things were falling apart between David and I, we went to the beach. It had the makings of a good week-end despite our tenuous relationship: we both wanted to get out of the heat of Portland, we brought books, we were going to familiar spot near Lincoln City (an easy drive).
However, we knew things weren't right between us. And we didn't want to have a fight about it. In an attempt to distract myself, I tried reading, going for walks, even shopped at mall outlets. It wasn't working so I got a book of Sudoku and totally lost myself in the logic puzzle.

Some time later, I now realize that what was going on was that I could control, to some extent, my success at these puzzles. I certainly couldn't control whether David would love me or what kind of relationship we would have.

Fast forward to this week, nine months later. I'm hard at Sudoku this week. Saving the daily paper for the evening when I'm alone. Sitting at the table, taking it to bed, carrying it over to the bar. I. . .must. . .do. . .Suduko.

The one big deal in my life just now is that my lovely mother, Aimee, has come to live with me. My idea, sorta, but something she wanted. And now I find that nothing is simple although everything I do is familiar and okay. I just need to conquer something. Something small. Something with 81 squares and an increasing challenge over a week. I can do it. Most of the time. I hope I can say the same about taking care of Mom. I can do it. I hope I'll do it well most of the time.